Surgery# 1 Cussing in a Doctors Office
So when I was a freshman in high school there was a huge hurricane (Floyd) that knocked out all the power and brought a whole hell of a lot of rain. Wind wasn't that bad at least and gave me the idea of wondering if I could kayak across town. There wasn't enough rain for that, but it was a great idea at the time. Also I didn't own a kayak and I did not consider my surfboard safe because of all the poisonous snakes in my area.. (Water Moccasins are not my favorites).
But back on story. So it was night time and my flashlight went out and then my mother knocked over a glass and broke it. The lucky person I am stepped on the shards of glass and just a few weeks before varsity soccer tryouts. Well I thought I got it all out and continued to walk. No it didn't get infected and no, I still have all of my feet. After going to see a doctor and have an x-ray of the area it was determined that nothing was there (by the way not everything shows up on x-rays), but I did have the option of having foot surgery anyway. So I chose to have the surgery.
The surgeon first numbed my foot with a spray that reminded me of the computer cleaning spray that basically feels like dry ice being dropped on the skin. He then proceeded to give me the local anesthesia and started to carve away at my foot. During the surgery we were reciting lines from Monty Python Search for the Holy Grail and crack jokes which seems a little weird now that I think about it. At some point the doctor screams "Holy Hell!" and my response is... "Oh god! I'm going to die during an embarrassing foot surgery." He then pulls an inch long shard out of my foot. It may not seem like much but being a female with a small foot that is a pretty big deal.
After getting my foot bandaged and ready to walk out the door. And once again, my luck, I stubbed my toe on the door of the operating room and began shouting profanities in the hallway and even made up some new inappropriate sounding words and phrases.
Surgery #2 Singing to Your Surgeon is a Must
In 2003, I found out that I needed to have my wisdom teeth removed. Almost everyone has to have this done so it seems like a less exciting surgery. Au contraire mon frere! (Basically means on the contrary) While I was in the room and being given the anesthesia, most people would go under. Not me however. I began singing "Black Velevet" by Pat Benatar at the top of my lungs because that was the song playing on the radio in the operating room. Apparently I was very chatty so they had to give me more to go under. The next thing I know is I'm coming to, there are people laughing there asses off. I thought to myself, great I probably have like massive droopy drool face. Well I did, but that's not why they were laughing. Apparently when I came out of the anesthesia I sang "Cross Fire!" and went back to sleep. The good thing is that I was too out of it to be embarrassed.
Surgery #3 Kidneys, Unicorns and Shortcakes
So I had a lump in my breast and I know most people may be freaked out by this but I'll go ahead and say the tumor was benign and I had it surgically removed. So onto the funny part. Even before my surgery I had to have a sense of humor because I was scared to find out bad news. I was telling my family that if it turned out my tumor was cancerous that I would choose a mastectomy over chemo, that way I could have the boobs I've always wanted. (I know, I'm weird)
On the day of surgery the nurses were walking me down the corridor for prep. Let's just say I saw some of my ta dollars to work because there were about 10 inmates getting prepped or treated and a bunch of police officers watching their every move. I then decided to ask the nurse, "Well, if the doctors leave me alone in the OR and my kidney gets stolen during the surgery, I have about 10 suspects." She shot me the weirdest look for that comment. All that matters is that I found myself funny. And now that I think about it, that look may mean it's happened before.... SOMEONE CHECK MY KIDNEYS!!!
When I started to get wheeled back to the OR, I noticed that they just push the gurneys around like bumper cars or grocery carts in Trader Joe's (I swear the carts in Trader Joe's were not designed for the narrow isles and fanatic healthy shoppers. I JUST WANT BREAD! STOP HITTING ME!). Ok, back on subject. They seriously pushed a gurney out of the way while someone was on it using my gurney and almost ran over a nurse. For someone like me studying to be a nurse, I think I need to put in a special insurance that covers being run over in the halls by objects with wheels.
I don't remember much after they put me completely under. But I remember some lady shaking me like a dirty rug and I woke up but fell back asleep. I then get shaken again even harder and when I come to, there are two nurses laughing and asking me if I know what I said right before completely coming to. I told them I had no idea what they were talking about. They said, "Hun, when we first tried to wake you up you told us 5 more minutes until the unicorns rush Normandy." My only response was, "Well, did you give them the 5 minutes I asked for?" They just stared and laugh. I still have no idea if the unicorns were successful.
When my mom came back to see me, she proceeded to ask me what I wanted to pick up to eat. My first response was cookout (A fast food place that my mom would need me to be fully conscious to find). I then said Champps, because in my mind I decided that, I need a drink and chili. Also I wanted to show off the fact that they wrapped my chest in a tight bandage and I looked like a boy. (I still don't know how they got that bandage on me like that). By the way at Champps all I ate was a giant strawberry shortcake.
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