Sometimes a Little Anesthesia Makes Everyone Smile

I have had several minor surgeries in my life and each one has a funny story.

Surgery# 1 Cussing in a Doctors Office

So when I was a freshman in high school there was a huge hurricane (Floyd) that knocked out all the power and brought a whole hell of a lot of rain. Wind wasn't that bad at least and gave me the idea of wondering if I could kayak across town. There wasn't enough rain for that, but it was a great idea at the time. Also I didn't own a kayak and I did not consider my surfboard safe because of all the poisonous snakes in my area.. (Water Moccasins are not my favorites).

But back on story. So it was night time and my flashlight went out and then my mother knocked over a glass and broke it. The lucky person I am stepped on the shards of glass and just a few weeks before varsity soccer tryouts. Well I thought I got it all out and continued to walk. No it didn't get infected and no, I still have all of my feet. After going to see a doctor and have an x-ray of the area it was determined that nothing was there (by the way not everything shows up on x-rays), but I did have the option of having foot surgery anyway. So I chose to have the surgery.

The surgeon first numbed my foot with a spray that reminded me of the computer cleaning spray that basically feels like dry ice being dropped on the skin. He then proceeded to give me the local anesthesia and started to carve away at my foot. During the surgery we were reciting lines from Monty Python Search for the Holy Grail and crack jokes which seems a little weird now that I think about it. At some point the doctor screams "Holy Hell!" and my response is... "Oh god! I'm going to die during an embarrassing foot surgery." He then pulls an inch long shard out of my foot. It may not seem like much but being a female with a small foot that is a pretty big deal.

After getting my foot bandaged and ready to walk out the door. And once again, my luck, I stubbed my toe on the door of the operating room and began shouting profanities in the hallway and even made up some new inappropriate sounding words and phrases.

Surgery #2 Singing to Your Surgeon is a Must

In 2003, I found out that I needed to have my wisdom teeth removed. Almost everyone has to have this done so it seems like a less exciting surgery. Au contraire mon frere! (Basically means on the contrary) While I was in the room and being given the anesthesia, most people would go under. Not me however. I began singing "Black Velevet" by Pat Benatar at the top of my lungs because that was the song playing on the radio in the operating room. Apparently I was very chatty so they had to give me more to go under. The next thing I know is I'm coming to, there are people laughing there asses off. I thought to myself, great I probably have like massive droopy drool face. Well I did, but that's not why they were laughing. Apparently when I came out of the anesthesia I sang "Cross Fire!" and went back to sleep. The good thing is that I was too out of it to be embarrassed.

Surgery #3 Kidneys, Unicorns and Shortcakes

So I had a lump in my breast and I know most people may be freaked out by this but I'll go ahead and say the tumor was benign and I had it surgically removed. So onto the funny part. Even before my surgery I had to have a sense of humor because I was scared to find out bad news. I was telling my family that if it turned out my tumor was cancerous that I would choose a mastectomy over chemo, that way I could have the boobs I've always wanted. (I know, I'm weird)

On the day of surgery the nurses were walking me down the corridor for prep. Let's just say I saw some of my ta dollars to work because there were about 10 inmates getting prepped or treated and a bunch of police officers watching their every move. I then decided to ask the nurse, "Well, if the doctors leave me alone in the OR and my kidney gets stolen during the surgery, I have about 10 suspects." She shot me the weirdest look for that comment. All that matters is that I found myself funny. And now that I think about it, that look may mean it's happened before.... SOMEONE CHECK MY KIDNEYS!!!

When I started to get wheeled back to the OR, I noticed that they just push the gurneys around like bumper cars or grocery carts in Trader Joe's (I swear the carts in Trader Joe's were not designed for the narrow isles and fanatic healthy shoppers. I JUST WANT BREAD! STOP HITTING ME!). Ok, back on subject. They seriously pushed a gurney out of the way while someone was on it using my gurney and almost ran over a nurse. For someone like me studying to be a nurse, I think I need to put in a special insurance that covers being run over in the halls by objects with wheels.

I don't remember much after they put me completely under. But I remember some lady shaking me like a dirty rug and I woke up but fell back asleep. I then get shaken again even harder and when I come to, there are two nurses laughing and asking me if I know what I said right before completely coming to. I told them I had no idea what they were talking about. They said, "Hun, when we first tried to wake you up you told us 5 more minutes until the unicorns rush Normandy." My only response was, "Well, did you give them the 5 minutes I asked for?" They just stared and laugh. I still have no idea if the unicorns were successful.

When my mom came back to see me, she proceeded to ask me what I wanted to pick up to eat. My first response was cookout (A fast food place that my mom would need me to be fully conscious to find). I then said Champps, because in my mind I decided that, I need a drink and chili. Also I wanted to show off the fact that they wrapped my chest in a tight bandage and I looked like a boy. (I still don't know how they got that bandage on me like that). By the way at Champps all I ate was a giant strawberry shortcake.

Being a Nerd is So Much Fun

15 Reasons I'm a Nerd/Weird

1. I named my dog Konami. Which is the same same video game company that made the original Ninja Turtles game and DDR.

2. I named my car Sasha after the scooter JD drives in scrubs.. I named my car Sasha after the many wrecks I have had and animals that have been hit with that car. Note: The blazer is called The Green Giant.

Sasha's Assassination

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWaYZp4eAO4

3. I own a unicorn hat and enjoy wearing Hello Kitty sunglasses... It's Magical!

4. Have tennis shoes with my name on them.

5. While inquiring about a gym membership the consultant had issues with his computer. So I fixed the problem and showed him how to use his program....

6. I like doing military style mud runs. Apparently the waivers and the possibility of death do not deter me.

7. I learned to crochet... while watching YouTube.

8. Can now find Family Guy references in almost all moments of life.

9. When I watch horror movies I do not move or make a sound no matter how gruesome. Sometimes I laugh at inappropriate moments

10. If pants were optional everywhere I would not wear them.

11. I hate wearing shoes and socks.

12. I own an Atari, Super Nintendo, Playstation, Playstation 2, Playstation 3 and PSP. Can't wait to pre-order the Playstation 4.

13. I am sometimes the worst and sometimes the best person to take to a haunted house. I'm too busy staring at the props, set and make-up jobs to notice anything else. Have even gone as far as to try to hug the people in the house (only Satan Claus was willing).

14. I schooled someone at Best Buy about computers.

15. I have helped to transport dead bodies to a morgue and not had one that did not result in something funny happening during transport. 

Note: Do Not Read This if You Find Morgue Things Gross: Had a guy that acts all big and tough dry heaving and making the weirdest sound effects to get away. Had one almost not fit in the box. Got my watch stuck on the table lift and got my foot run over by a gurney. 

Possums, Squirrels, Deer, Oh MY!

So this is definitely not a very serious post. I decided to share my rare ability of accidentally killing many animals with my car. I actually remember every animal I've ever hit, because as an animal lover each one is traumatizing, but the evil person in me finds some of them funny. Animal incidents in as best of order as I can remember. Also, on another note some stories the animal lived or was never hit.

Animal #1 The Bird of Peace

I have a '95 Chevy Blazer, so I drive a tank. I was driving down my road in my hometown (note I live in an area where there is woods everywhere)with a friend when a flock of doves flew in front of my car and I didn't have enough time to stop and managed to hit one. The next thing I know is there are feathers flying everywhere and my friend is screaming that I killed the bird of peace. I was never brave enough to remove the dead bird from the grill, because I do not like touching animal bones. So I waited until my dad got back from a hunting trip to remove it and ran when he tried to show me the bird.
 
Animal #2 Baby Deer

This is one I almost hit, but was glad I didn't. Once again driving down the same road and I saw a female deer bound across the road and then a little fawn following suit. I managed to slam on brakes as the fawn stopped to stare as my car came towards it. I stopped within about 6 feet of the fawn and it looked frozen. It then came out of it's trance and then tried to run from my car. My guess was it was a newborn because it ran in place for a second and fell to the ground then got back up and ran after it's mother.

Animal #3 Giant Cat of Doom

This is another one that I almost hit and an animal that I have never seen in the roads since then. Again going down my street, I was going slower than usual because of a cement truck going down the road. While I was waiting for it to pull into the cement plant, something large jumped unto the hood of my car. It turned around and it was a fairly large bobcat. My response was, maybe if I drive forward (slowly of course) it will jump off. Nope that just made it angry. So my next response was to swerve in the road until it either jumped off. (Note: I was screaming the whole time) The bobcat eventually slid off the hood and I went flying down my road as fast as my car could go screaming with my windows down. Yes... for some odd reason getting the cat off my car was more important than rolling up the windows.

Animal #4 Deer Stampede

This one actually hit my car, it lived through this experience. I was leaving work at a store on the beach. While stuck in traffic there was a huge stampede of deer came running out of a very hoity-toity (ritzy/fancy) neighborhood and went wild. A huge buck took off my mirror and sent it flying onto someones car. The surprising thing is that no deer was hit during the stampede, but there were a bunch of wrecks to avoid them.

Animal #5 Flying Ninja Turtle

I was travelling towards the beach on a road that is about 55 mph (89km/h) and knowing me then was scared to speed I was probably driving right at the speed limit. At some point I see an object in the road and it wasn't until I came right up on in did I notice it was a turtle. The next thing I know if that I hit it and at some point went flying into the air and ended up in a nearby ditch. I have no idea if it lived and I was too scared to check on it for the fear that it would somehow attack me if it was alive.

Animal #6 Is That an Ottoman in the Road?

Once again, I am back on my street, but now I have my '02 Volkswagen Jetta. I was travelling down the road at night and my high beams caught something large and white in the road. I then slowed and put on my brakes and saw what I thought to be a white ottoman in the road and it turned out to be the largest possum I've ever seen. It turned it's head and hissed at me. My response was to go around and sped down the road for the fear of it being fast enough to chase my car.

Animal #7 Was That a Real Deer?

While I was in college, I was living class around 10pm and there was a sign saying "Construction! Speed Limit 35 mph" " Violators will be fined $250." So I decided to go about 30 just to be safe because there were a bunch of potholes and no lighting in the area. While I was travelling I happened to see a bunch of deer cross in front of my car and I miss all until one still walks in front of my car while I was braking. I notice it's eyes get real big and when my car hits it, it falls over like a plastic lawn ornament deer. I end up with a busted headlight and the deer pops back up like nothing happened and goes on it's merry way.

Animal #8 Dumb ass Squirrels

While driving my work vehicle I saw a squirrel run across the road and my co-worker Chris said, "Don't you dare kill us over a squirrel!" So I keep driving forward. I notice the squirrel make it across the street, but then it for some odd reason it runs back into the road and right in front of my tire. My only guess was it was either stupid or suicidal. I probably hit two more squirrels with that car, but they are unimportant. Also because my supervisor was such an animal lover she would yell at me for hitting any animal.

Animal #9 The Great Possum Incident of 2012

So it was dark and raining and my co-worker also known as Carlos Spicyweiner or Theodore Turkilton was riding in the car with me. While leaving an area I hit a large already dead possum in the road. According the Carlos, I hit it with a vengeance and that it was probably still alive and that I finished the job. He then came up with a scenario that the possum had babies hiding in the near by bushes and that they were going to die for lack of a mother or that they were going to stalk me and get their revenge. I was laughing so hard at his story that I was crying.

Carlos' version of the story:
It was an unusually dark night. A steady and light rain had coated the streets with dreary haze. Possumkiller had that look in her eyes. The blood lust was becoming to much for her, she must take a life or her mask of sanity would finally slip. We were traveling back to campus at breakneck speeds. Possumkiller disregarded the speed limits signs like a fat kid disregards a nutrition label. In the haze, the sullen form of a possum appears in the middle of the road. Only a brief instant could tell you that it was lost, hungry, and cold. It only wanted to cross the road with its meager hope of finding shelter. Possumkiller sees the creature and accelerates. Her eyes go wide and she starts speaking Latin backwards. She strikes the possum with such a massive force that its very molecules were torn asunder. We speed away, Possumkiller maniacally laughing in her victory as the young possum babies sulk into the street to mourn their fallen mother.

Note: I was not speeding nor was I intentionally trying to hit the possum. I do know latin though...

Animal #10

Last week, I was in my hometown driving down the same road at night and deicded to drive slower just to be safe. Once again before I could stop I hit a possum and sent it rolling into the ditch. My only response was to close my eyes and cringe as I hit it. I have now decided that I am cursed!

On a different note:

This is just to share a friends bad luck involving deer. In a 2 month period she hit three deer with a vengance. One so bad that it was stuck under her car and as she was going down the road she was dragging it. She then decided to swerve down the road to try to get it out from her car and screaming the whole time. She told me she dragged the deer for about a mile down I-40 until it finally came out from under her car. No idea how fast she was going when she hit it or when she was trying to get rid of the deer.

I Was A Forced Vegan!!!! (Someone Throw Me a Chicken Leg)

So the title sounds strange I know. Why would anyone be forced to become a vegan or for those who are vegan, why not? Well, I won't say I'm a meatarian, but I do love meat. I'm very much an omnivore (I like meat and vegetables). I will eat a bunch of vegetables, but please don't take my bacon! I mean now I can't even try out the flavor of my new form of edible camoflauge bacon flavored underwear. Where am I gonna find a test group for this? WHERE I ASK YOU? Ok maybe that was over the top. Plus I know plenty of people who will try it out if they were panties and on a beautiful redhead's body...Carlos?

The only serious part of this post:

So my father found out about a week ago that he is basically falling apart  He has heart problems, acid reflux, and he's overweight. Very recently he found out he has a blood disease which causes him to have high levels of iron in the blood. So high that they sent his blood to the CDC. My only guess is it was so high they thought my dad might be a magnet and try to see if it was possible to use him to hold up their kids 3rd grade drawing on a giant refrigerator. (I'm trying so hard to be serious about this) Back on subject. So he found out last week that he has a very rare a newly discovered form of hepatitis that is non-contagious, called non-alcoholic steatohepatitis. Apparently it's a liver disease that is characterized by an inflamed liver and fat in the liver.. So due to all of this he was told that if he were to get hepatitis A or B that he would be dead in 48 hours so they vaccinated him. He was also told he is to become a vegan and lose 30lbs in 90 days, he is such a meatarian that he thinks a french fry and lettuce on a burger is a vegetable. And as support my mother and I are going vegan too, with the exception that all three of us can have wheat bread as long as it is whole wheat flour.

Whoever might read this if you are scared you may have this because it can even occur in small children then you can get tested. However, it is very expensive unless your insurance company pays for it. If your doctor ever says that your iron is very high ask them if it's possible that you may have this or if you just need to cut back on certain meats.

The softer less serious side of the post:

Trader Joe's Visit: I love Trader Joe's, even before this incident. This store just opened in my hometown and the parking situation was so bad that the local police department was having to direct traffic in and out of the parking lot and directing people where to park. They have so much better things to s=do with their time, but if they get overtime, I doubt they are complaining too much. If not, they probably want hate life right now. Other than the parking and traffic from hell, the place was packed. On the bright side, they gave me a list of all of their vegan foods they carried which was about 5 pages long. I even had a clerk walk around with me and show me where everything was almost like having a personal shopper. However, he got a little too enthusiastic that I thought he was going to go home with me and escape. After that experience, I walked back to my car with all of my spoils and noticed there were two women making out next to my car. My response was more of "Umm can you move that over about a foot so I can open my car door." Very politely they moved and continued. Apparently Trader Joe's was a very hot experience for them and they just couldn't wait.

The Made Up Portion of My Vegan Experiment:

Day one: No meat... ate 7 fries with veggie cheese, then granola bar and imaged I was eating a ham sandwich... and i hate ham... dinner ate a flat bread with cranberry mustard and fake spicy sausage.... I think I'm dead.

 

 

Day Two:  The walls are closing in. Everyone is against me. The carrot in the refrigerator threatened to cut me. The pineapple said it would do nasty things to me after lights out. There is no way out. Must Google how to make a nuesse. (Contribution by Carlos Spicyweiner/Theodore Turkilton) Apparently, I'm either suppose to Google how to make a river or he meant to spell it noose.
       Special Note: He had no idea that I actually had carrots and two giant pineapples in my fridge
           when saying this... I swear we are the same person...

Alter-ego Carlos Soicyweiner, III Esquire Develops an Alter-ego

Alter-ego Carlos Spicyweiner, III Esuire vs Alter-ego Theodore Turkilton

So if you've read my bucket list you already know who Carlos Spicyweiner III, Esquire is. If not you can go back and read it if you want. Well that was his first appearance.

BIO:

Lord Carlos Spicyweiner III, Esq is the great great great grandson of Theodore Turkilton, born in the rugged future of the 23rd century

 

Lord Carlos originally ruled over one of the few prosperous civilizations left, Weinerville

But after realizing the inevitable destruction that awaited his people, he decided to travel back in time in an attempt to change the past thus attempting to find his past relative, but under shot the years landing in 1984..

 

While travelling the world with no real knowledge of the past, no money and being exposed to the horrors of 80s fashion and not being able to return home he settled down in San Francsico to become a fry cook and take on his grandfather's name.

In 1986, while working at a Burger King in San Francisco, Theodore attempted to fry both onion rings and french fries at the same time. The self contained thermo-nuclear explosion reconstituted Theodore's brain chemistry to form the man he is today.

Theordore Turkilton now believes he was born in a Chinese Opium den in London. Veteran of the Anglo-Zulu War. Frozen solid while ice fishing in Denmark. Eventually thawed out in 1964 when he moved to America and became a roadie for the Rolling Stones.

 

He's in his now in his early 100's and he sits on his lawn shaking his cane at the young whippersnappers that go on his propertay!

 

He then realizes who he truly is and finds that there was a never a Theodore Turkliton in the past before he came. Thus realizing that he is his own great great great grandfather!

 

*Insert dramatic music*

 

http://youtu.be/a1Y73sPHKxw

 

This is not suppose to make any sense. Bio created by my friend who came up with these alter-egos.

How to Ruin Movies

How to Ruin Movies for Rude Teenagers

Ok, so I'm not usually up for ruining movies. I'm usually the one that only talk during previews and then I'm pure silent unless I laugh during a movie. But, on the brightside of things is that I wasn't even in the movie yet nor was a going to go see the same movie as some rude teenage girls.

So, I was in line trying to get my ticket and I like to give people space so I don't get too close in behind people. I'm just standing wait to buy my ticket for some movie I can't remember what was out then. But I di know this was the same time they were doing the 3D Imax experience of the Titanic. I would not subject myself to that movie again and especially not for $11 a ticket when they were showing a marathon of it on TNT (I think that's the station. Whatever it was on TV). Back on the subject, while I was standing in line four teenager girls showed up and were talking really loud about how they can't wait to see Titanic and were about an inch from my body so they were way to close. And I don't know what the hell possessed one girl to almost practically rest her phone on my shoulder then whip around smacking me in the face with her hair and pushing me with her purse which went on for about a minute and some type spinning disorder this girl had. At some point they kept getting louder and the next thing I know as I go to get my ticket that one of the girls is looming over me and kicking the back of my shoe. I turned around and asked them if the girl would stop kicking my shoe and her response was to say, "well don't stand so close." *sound of a snap inside my mind*

So then the asshole in me came out and said, "Just to let you know. In Titanic, the ship hits an iceberg, it goes down, some people escape, a lot of people die, Leonardo DiCarpio dies, thus ending Kate Winslets career as a nude model. You're Welcome!"

The shear horror in the girls faces was like pure gold. Because they then proceeded to say. "Well thanks for ruining the movie! Now we know what happens and how are you so sure the ship goes down?"

My response was to walk away and shake my head while the clerk at the window tried to stiffle a laugh.

Note to parents: Please educate your kids so they don't get surprised that the Titanic sank to the bottom of the ocean. Some of the kids today are just embarrassing with their logic and thanks to texting they can't even spell simple words anymore without autocorrect. And even that can't help them. Also teach your kids some manners. It goes a long way to learn them early on. Otherwise assholes like me will ninja in on their conversations and ruin their day.

Second Note: I would have never ruined these girls day if it hadn't had for these events.

Ding Dong Ditch: Pants Not Included in this Post

Ding Dong Ditch: Minus the Pants

(Not wearing pants while typing this)

So when I was in college, I had some pretty awesome roommates at the on campus apartments. Well two in particular which will be known as Bren and Whit,  but Whit was not one of my roommates during this event. So I got this great idea after finding a website with some hilarious cheesy pick-up lines. 

This was my favorite: Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world! 

Back on the subject. So I had a huge stack of post-its and decided that I would write a different pick up line for each resident of an apartment, which the names were listed on the doors of each apartment. I would then go down the hall after posting all of them and in a rapid motion Bren and I would run while knocking on each door and do this on each floor, which came to a total of 59 apartments (number does not include our apartment . There were only three floors by the way and we would save our floor which was the second for last for a clean getaway. 

I know you are probably wondering where the ding dong part and the no pants part come in, but I am getting there. So on the second floor we noticed while running and knocking that one room had an actual door bell installed so we pressed it multiple times before running off. While running away the residents (4 guys) of the room happened to see us so we tried weaving around the odd shaped layout of the floor to escape to our apartment on the other side of the building. 

At some point Bren and I start doing laundry and that's when the pants come off and while waiting for them to get clean we start watching the TV. Well some time passes and someone knocks on the door and it happens to be the residents of the apartment with the doorbell. Later found out that they knocked on every door on the floor to see who was ringing their doorbell. So I open the door and try to act like I have no idea what they are talking about. I have a brief conversation with them and introduce myself and ask Bren to come to the door. She says, "Um yea, I'm good. I don't have pants on right now." That's when the "Oh shit" moment comes across my mind. I ask the guys, "I'm not wearing pants, am I?" Of course they confirm the fact that I am indeed not wearing pants. I then say "Well, it was nice meeting you, but I have an important appointment with my pants."

About a month later I joined the resident hall council and realized that those same guys were the heads of the council. So I walked up to them and introduced myself as "The Girl Without Pants."

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